Never Knowingly Nude
Hello and welcome to The New Podcast News Newsletter (TNPNN), from PodFUC - The Podcast Federation of Unionised Content [sponsored by Podcast Movement - for 97% off tickets on the door, track down Mr Bryan Barletta and whisper the following message into his ears, “I move, I move, I move for podcasts… and, twiddly-dee, they move me.”]
TNPNN would like to apologise. Due to an administrative error last month, we referred to Davina McCall as the 4th General Secretary of the African Association of Vegetarians. However, she is, in fact, a TV presenter and host of the ‘Begin Again’ podcast, in which the phrase “live, laugh, love” is frequently used.
TNPNN would like to apologise (again). Due to an administrative error last year, we referred to the ‘99% Invisible’ podcast by Roman Mars as ‘100% Invisible’, which of course is incorrect, as a quick search on Apple Podcasts can attest. You can just about make out Roman Mars with the naked eye on a clear night and strong pair of binoculars.
Here are your headlines:
1.
Yesterday, TNPNN gained knowledge that the United Nations Media & Laxative Division received a strongly worded letter from a concerned woman who feared that her views on YouTube now mean much less for creators than they did the day previously. Mrs Batterstwerp, from Pontefract, Yorkshire, was watching her favourite podcast on YouTube - ‘Cook Like No One’s Watching. Naked, except for a silk scarf. With Greg Wallace’ - when she heard the news that the “engaged views” metric is no longer relevant on the platform. “I was looking at [Greg Wallace’s] face - at least I think it was his face - when a terrible thought hit me”, Batterstwerp told TNPNN. “The poor bastard [Wallace] won’t be able to afford t’cook t’egg and t’chips at this rate if industry standards are continually eroded by monolithic, omnipresent distribution platforms that chose profits over creator’s needs by using counterproductive measures over qualitative refinement, much to the detriment of creatives like as my ickle wikkle Greggy-weggy. It’s t’terrible.” The UN is yet to respond.
2.
A new secretive study by The Institute of Austrian Polygamy has revealed that the most popular podcast for Premier League footballers (or ‘soccer dancers’ in the USA) is ‘Story Quest’ by Fun Kids radio. TNPNN has received pertinent information from an insider of the Premier League outfit Everton FC that suggests player and part-time calf model, Jack Grealish, is a super fan of the kid’s adventure show, listening up to 5 episodes a day. TNPNN approached Grealish for comment at Everton FC’s training ground and the player issued a brief statement, “wooosh, wowzers, wicked!” Before driving off in his super car.
3.
Crypto billionaire Ben Delo (formerly known as Ben Dover, formerly formerly known as Ben y Lin) has admitted this week on the ‘You’re Having A Laugh Ain’t Cha? Podcast with Fatima Whitbread’ that his donation to the ultra right-wing Reform Party was really a marketing bid to appear on more podcasts. “My arrest in 2022 was totes strategic, but unfortunately, the global media conspiratists called it a "confession of guilt." I prefer to call it a corporate pivot with high-variance legal friction that propelled me into the main stream. Podcasts, man. That’s where the real money is”. When asked if that made him a c*nt, Delo replied, “in 2024, President Donald Trump pardoned me, and I think we can all agree that answers your question better than I ever could.” TNPNN couldn’t agree more.
4.
And finally, in some lighter news, it’s been reported by the AP that the less than half of all attendees at this year’s Podcast Movement have been certified as ‘drunk’. “It shows real progress in the podcasting industry”, a Podcast Movement official told TNPNN before entering the Terminal 5 building in New York City. “Usually, most of the buggers around here are depressed before breakfast - usually about what random decision Spotify has made that day, or some weird crap the CEO diarist has spouted - and turn to drink to get through the day. But this year, things seem different. So far, I’ve only seen one man in a suit drinking a can of Carlsberg and may even have seen someone smile. Although I can’t be entirely sure it wasn’t a grimace.”
And that was The New Podcast News Newsletter from PodFUC. Thank you for showering. This is obviously a satirical parody.
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