Always, always on
Hello and welcome to The New Podcast News Newsletter (TNPNN), from PodFUC - The Podcast Federation of Unionised Content [sponsored by Flight Risk - a new security tag for criminals. Brought to you by the people who also brought you Flight Story, Flight Studio, Flight Fund, Flight Talent, Flight Tech, Flight Ventures, Flight Tassels, Flight Bite, Flight Fight, Flighty Flighty Flight Flight, and Flightman, where’s your trooosers?*].
Here are your headlines:
1.
David Cameron - former Prime Minister of the UK and hog-botherer - is to launch his own podcast, ‘Lights, CamerON, ACTION!’, exclusively on Soundcloud and MySpace. Eager fans can also get bespoke episodes delivered via MiniDisc and hand-written letters on personalised letter headings (which read “The CAM-MAN is ON”). Reports received by TNPNN that he launched the show because he was jealous that former British politicians, such as Ed Balls and Rory Stewart, have been confirmed by sources close to the former PM. An insider who was privy to the ideation of the show reports that, “[I] was just sitting in the boozer one day, near Westminster, like. And [David Cameron] just waltzes in and shouts “Campbell, you slaaaaaaaaaaag. Give me some of that sweet-arse-arse-ssssssss [RSS].” I kept my head down and, to be honest, I don’t even think Alastair Campbell was in there. It was probably our local drunk, Barry.” TNPNN have yet to verify the story but believe Barry to be a legend.
2.
In a bid to be more available to fans, the clamber for attention is hotting up, at least that’s according to reports from the Dutch car company ‘VanGoGoochyHooch’. Research - mainly undertaken by AI bots and underpaid media graduates - show more listeners are unsubscribing if the content doesn’t feature in their everyday lives. And in a bid to capture that much sought-after attention, the new podcast from Serial and The New York Times, focusing on the Big Apple, is planning to go one step further to engage audiences. “Our new show”, an NYT janitor explains, “is literally always on. In fact, once you subscribe, it will be impossible to turn it off. Think U2’s album on Apple phones, but more... aggressive. In fact, for some paying members, Sarah Koenig will literally whisper whatever you want in your ear at any time of day.” TNPNN have no plans to subscribe.
3.
Ever wondered what the ‘A’ in Acast stands for? No? Well, incase you answered yes, the answer is ‘Avoirdupois’. According to the latest press release from the Swedish juggernaut, the original name of the company stems from a pre-pivot position of providing weight measurements for fishing lines in the port of Fiskebäck, Sweden. The company pivoted to podcast hosting after they were offered a BetterHelp test campaign for their marine distress alert messages and the rest, as Goalhanger say, is profit.
4.
Inspired by the news that the oldest podcaster in the world may be 95 year-old Dominic Chianese - who played Corrado “Junior” Soprano on The Sopranos - we thought we would inspire others by laying out a typical day for an executive at TNPNN:
2.16am - wake up, wee. Go back to sleep listening to quotes from Gary Neville.
4am - wake up again. This time, just to wee. Take 2 hours to fall back asleep.
6.10am - woken up by the alarm clock. The sound of the alarm is the theme tune of The Rest Is Entertainment. Switch it off before the speaking starts. Shout “ATTACK THE DAY!”. Fall back asleep (accidentally).
6.25am - Wake up again. Meditate for 8 hours to Spotify (non-premium, fireplace crackle).
2.25pm - wake up after accidentally falling back to sleep again. Shower, shave (forearms only), and once dry, read extensively about LUFs standards in podcasting from 2008-2017.
4pm - confidently present a talk about ‘How Padel Improves Business Performance by 400%’
4.20pm - watch a YouTube video - ‘How To Play Padel’.
5pm - dinner. Fish and a rice cake.
5.10pm - intense research period, writing stories for TNPNN and being the best version of myself.
5.15pm - dinner 2. Fish and a rice cake.
5.30pm - PJs, bed.
5.45pm - watch The Romesh Ranganathan Show on Apple Watch.
5.49pm - wank. Light reading material (real estate pamphlets).
5.50pm - sleep.
And that was The New Podcast News Newsletter from PodFUC. Thank you for listening.
This is obviously a satirical parody. Please share if you think someone would be amused - https://podfuc.ghost.io/ for sign up and back-catalogue access.
*may include hints of hyperbole.
